Earlier tonight as I was studying for my veryveryfrightening midterm tomorrow, I found myself wondering why I hadn't just dropped out of college and joined a traveling circus already, and decided I needed a study break. So I watched a few episodes of my favorite show, Bones. The reason I love Bones is that, in addition to being a pretty kickass forensics/crime-drama, it also has all these little insights into relationships, behavior, and life in general. For instance, in the last episode I watched, a Japanese man was witnessed by the main character, Dr. Brennan, struggling to cope with his younger sister's murder. Brennan, who is oftentimes frustratingly empirical and logical to a fault, questioned,
"Is it worth it? To have your own happiness contingent upon another human being?"
It's an interesting question, really, and one that is worth some thought. Most of us don't question our motives in forming relationships with the other individuals in our lives. That's just what people "do." It seems reasonable to believe that if being with other people makes us happy, we should pursue that avenue of joy. What if Brennan is right, though? Does the joy of being with and loving other people somehow last long enough to overpower the desperate unhappiness we eventually feel when we lose them? Is it worth it?
I, for one, say yes. The urge to be with others is not just an instinctual trait evolved for safety and security. It isn't about all the material and social gains we can acquire through developing relationships with others. At least not for me. Being with other people and loving other people is what I believe brings value to my life.
Without digressing into an explanation of my spiritual beliefs, I'll suffice it to say that I do not believe in God. I do not believe that life has any intrinsic value. What I do believe, is that any value that our lives bear is derived from what we do with ourselves. Because I cannot believe that I exist for an inherent reason, I give my life reason by creating a network of relationships that form a vast web radiating from a central point, myself. Key to these relationships is love.
There are people who live alone for the entirety of their lives, whether figuratively or literally. That is the perception that society holds of these individuals, but I question whether they do indeed hold the same fragile, loving relationships that the rest of us do, in some way. I'm not entirely sure that people can really exist without that form of association. It is the loving relationships in our lives that define us as people, that give our lives momentum and purpose. The love we share with our families and friends is what helps us form a core identity. Without the presence of others, we cannot appreciate our own uniqueness. Without any form of standard, we cannot appreciate the concept of "uniqueness" at all.
Being with other people helps me to be myself, and it makes me happy for reasons I can't explain. Interactions with other people move me to learn, understand, and feel in ways that are often taken for granted, but that could not exist without the presence of others. Even more importantly, I love others. I've heard a lot of scientific explanations for love, but I choose to ignore them, because frankly I don't think that they explain the depth of emotion that exists in loving relationships. Hormones and pheromones can only explain an attraction on a base level, not the many intricacies of human emotion. It is this love that creates the divide between existing and living. Loving other people feels like sunshine. Or seeing new flowers popping up in spring. Or whatever other cheesy imagery you can come up with. Loving other people feels good, it feels beautiful. It proves its own worth. And yes, it hurts when you lose someone you love. I'm not unfamiliar with that feeling. Hurting is not a mere result, but a continuing expression of love. It is worth it to hurt because if we did not hurt, we would not feel anything. I can't explain why, but as humans we seek feeling. We would rather feel sad than feel nothing, and we acknowledge that it is everything negative in our lives that makes us appreciate the positive.
Having my happiness be dependent upon the presence of the people that I love is not something that I question the value of. It's not something I fear, or something I think unwise. When I lose someone that I love, and am hurt, I know that it is worth it because it will enable me to feel happiness even more completely than I could before. It will allow me to love more deeply and entirely. Unhappiness leads to greater happiness, greater love, and greater purpose. And I think love is always worth some risks.
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