First off, I just want to clarify to everyone that this isn't about hating men. It isn't about stereotyping men. It's about the lack of respect that is often coupled with being a woman. Some of my closest friends in the world are men. Some of the people that I respect the most are men, and there are a lot of men out there that have treated me with respect and kindness. For every douchebag that I know, I know at least two men who are wonderful.
But the nice ones seem to form a silent majority, and are represented by the vast vocalness of the minority of men who represent their gender as a group of chauvinistic, misogynistic jerks. These individuals waste too much of their time and mine degrading women because of our gender. I have heard too many times that, because I am a woman I "can't think," or that I am only good for household chores and as a slam-piece to a superior man. I am a sexual conquest, a prize essentially interchangeable with any other member of my gender. If I'm not attractive and obedient I'm pretty much useless, anyway. The enormously ignorant heteronormativity and chauvinism of these statements astounds me. I'm shouldn't have to explain why these remarks are ignorant, incorrect, and unfair. A lot of people pass these comments off as jokes. And some of them really are. I make woman jokes about myself, sometimes. But the prolificness of these "jokes" creates an atmosphere of insecurity and unsureness for women. It creates a standard of degradation so that we accept the kind of comments that should never, never be accepted.
The worst of all the comments that I hear from men are the sexual ones. Society at large has created separate standards of behavior for men and women that they seem insurmountable. Men who sleep around are regarded as winners, sexually dominant and impressive. Women who do the same are sluts and whores. What is morally unacceptable for women is perfectly acceptable for men. And it isn't just men who perpetuate this standard. Women suppress themselves by conforming to these standards, by looking at each other and calling each other sluts and biddies and bitches and cunts. We all judge each other harshly without thinking about the ramifications of our own thoughts, and in doing so we hurt ourselves more than anybody else.
Alcohol brings a completely different level to the discussion on women. I have found that despite lots of lofty proclamations about how rape and sexual assault are horrible things, people are far too willing to accept both of these as the result of drunkenness on a man's behalf. I was raped, and alcohol was a factor. I didn't say anything to anyone because of the excuses I myself made in my own head, and because I didn't know how to approach the issue of assault by someone that I knew and trusted. That was a mistake. But even when I finally felt comfortable enough to tell my close friends what had happened to me, I found very little support where I needed it, particularly from my male friends. While my female friends acknowledged and continued to acknowledge what happened to me, my guy friends brushed it off. They don't acknowledge it. A couple of them even see fit to make jokes about that night, as if they don't remember a word I said about what really happened. The things that have been said to me have made me feel ashamed of myself for something that I never wanted and could not control. Writing it down here, where I know people can see it, frightens me when I know that it should not. I don't need people to get involved in the situation. It just isn't something that I need help with. All I need is for people to know and acknowledge that these things are not okay, to stop it from happening to anybody else.
Something like that is not erasable. I still get nervous in certain situations. I'm not going to distrust men in general because of what happened to me. I still hang out with drunk guys. I haven't altered my habits drastically. What hurts the most about what happened is the lack of support I received from my male friends, more than what happened itself. That feeling of alone-ness caused me more damage than anything.
What I'm driving at is this: I live in the United States of America. A supposedly free, supposedly equal democratic society in which everyone is supposed to be protected. Civil and personal and Constitutional rights are supposedly observed here. Yet, everyday in this "forward" and "liberal" society I find that I am subjugated based on my gender. It is assumed that I am going to college to find a job that I will only keep long enough to find myself a man, so I can stop working and start popping out babies. It is assumed that I am weak, and emotional, and naive, and interested in cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. It is assumed that the right thing for me to do is to give up everything that I have worked for in order to build a family in which I stay home while my future husband has a fulfilling career. People think that because I play a contact sport I'm either crazy and am going to injure my poor weak self, or they assume that if I am strong enough to take a hit I'm a butch lesbian dyke. I'm expected to wear make-up and make myself look presentable and pretty. Its assumed that when I was little I played with dolls and loved horses and dolphins and watched My Little Pony and Sailor Moon. Every single day, women are categorized, subjugated, and oppressed in front of the entire world, even in the most minute, subconscious manner. All I really want to say in response is this:
you can tell me that I'm a raving feminist man-hating bitch. You can tell me that I will never be as strong as a man. You can tell me that my place is in the kitchen. You can even tell me that getting raped was my own fault, or that I deserved it, or that the guy wasn't to blame. But I'm just going to tell you that even if you can't treat me with respect, I know how to respect myself. No matter how hard you try, you can't take that away from me. My gender does not, and will not ever, be the most important detail about me. It will never form the standard for my interests or ambitions. And I want to tell every one of the nice guys to stop being silent. Stop letting the idiots represent you. I want every woman to take a good long look at herself and promise to respect herself, and every other woman (and man) that she runs into everyday.
I am not a woman who is a weak, who is named Becca, who is a rape-victim. I am Becca, who is strong, who will not live like a victim, and who just happens to be a proud woman as well.
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